Inside the Elusive Gift of Tragedy

by emotionalst on May 24, 2011

Regina Murphy’s book: The Elusive Gift of Tragedy

“Wonderful, Honest, and Heartbreaking. Yet it offers practical information on miraculous new forms of healing. I do hope it will find its way into the hands of parents and all people who are longing for insights and knowledge of how to transform ourselves and our world.

Dr. Bettty J Kovacs Ph.D.
author “The Miracle of Death” & “Journey of The Mothers”

“Brilliant! Another Lorenzo’s Oil!”

“Television with a Heart”.

The Elusive Gift of Tragedy is a book that can be useful to every parent, but for parents of children who are suffering physical or emotional disorders, low self-esteem, or addiction to legal or illegal drugs, it may be the book that can help you save your child’s life.

Yet it is also for those of us who long for insights and practical knowledge of how to transform ourselves and our world. The author’s piercing honesty and drive to know pulls the reader along with astonishing detail. Her friendly style is easy to read while emotionally revealing.


Click on any underlined chapter title to see the excerpt from that chapter.      

Table of Contents

by Tony Stubbs

Section One: The Threads That Bind Our Tender Souls
1. The Other Side of the Tapestry
2. John Jr. Enters into Separation
3. The Divorce – The First Cut Is the Deepest
4. Key Players are Woven into the Tapestry
5. Adolescence Arrives in All Its Glory
6. September 11, 2001, New York
7. My Purpose Becomes Clear
8. More Lessons for John
9. 2004: We Discover the Healing Power of Sound
10. Nine Months Remain – A Reverse Pregnancy
11. So Much to Be Experienced in So Little Time
12. The Blessed Mother Prepares Me
13. The Final Touches of a Life

Section Two: Focal Point of the Tapestry
14. A New Form Is Taken
15. The Shock Is Over; the Grief Begins
16. Communications Across the Veil
17. Grief Grows Like a Weeping Willow
18. Death Knocks Again
19. My Camera Pierces the Veil
20. Pre-Birth Planning
21. My Gift from John – The Pink Ball of Light
22. The Revelations of the Tapestry

· Statistics 2004: Death by Overdose
· References
· End Note

A. Mother Mary Channel
B. Thought Field Therapy
C. Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)
D. Emotional Sound Technique (EST)
E. The AIM Program
F. The Tragic Consequences of Drugging Our Children
G. Photo Gallery
by Tony Stubbs

In The Elusive Gift of Tragedy, author Regina Murphy provides parents with an impressive arsenal of tools to guide their children through today’s perilous minefield of childhood to healthy, productive adulthood. First, she and her son, John, experienced years of consequences resulting from a primitive treatment her son experienced at birth, a practice now thankfully abandoned. Regina discovers tangible tools and incredible modalities that allow us to remove negative energy and remap the subconscious mind.

Next the book explores the pre-existence of the soul and the beauty of pre-life planning. Then we learn that John’s soul has a huge mission that spans many lifetimes – the search for, and the expression of, the purity of unconditional love. His failure to isolate that purity in his most recent lifetime opened him up to the frustration and the self-destructive behaviors prevalent in today’s teenagers. Add to that society’s demand for instant gratification and a materialistic mentality, and we have a perfect storm of cultural disintegration.

Having set up lives rich in “unexploded bombs,” Regina and John explore the new tools to defuse them. The first is Regina’s enduring faith in a Higher Power, manifesting as angels and Mother Mary, the Mother of all mothers – a faith John acknowledges as his rock.
Regina then leads into a new modality of her own – Emotional Sound Technique- that involves the use of tuning forks placed on a specific quartz crystal applied directly to key emotionally related meridian points on the body. To be honest, this therapy is not new; we used it long ago in many ancient cultures. And to top it all, Regina has discovered that she can photograph the life force energy changes when using these modalities as well as many dimensions of reality in every camera she owns. This book provides pointers to resources by which you can become an expert practitioner for yourself and your kids … and who knows, maybe even save their lives.

Will some readers find this book a stretch? Undoubtedly, but as Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved at the same level at which it was created.” Today’s parents are faced with momentous challenges regarding their children. In order to meet these challenges, parents must transcend them, and The Elusive Gift of Tragedy provides a wide range of tools to do just that.

Oh, and the final gift? Proof of survival of death. This book implodes the concept of death as the cessation of being. In its pages we meet John, still the same vibrant, dynamic being he was in a physical body, only now he has the wisdom of Solomon and absolute dedication to the welfare of today’s youth.

Together Regina and John are an unstoppable force who will take you to places you never knew existed. Just have an open mind and the courage to journey with them for the rewards are beyond your imagining.
After all, aren’t your kids worth it?
Tony Stubbs
author, An Ascension Handbook, Living With Soul, It’s All About Control and Death Without Fear

Chapter Two
John Jr. Enters into Separation

The pregnancy and birth were brutal on me and his father’s resentment of me grew stronger by the day. When John was born via C-section, his liver function was a problem. He was taken away from me at birth and put into an incubator, tied down so a sun lamp would cover all his body and he was blindfolded to protect his eyes. He was kept in this inhumane position for twelve days. No eye contact, limited touch. When I tried to nurse him, he wouldn’t eat so the nurses fed him formula in my absence. (As the research about the importance of touch and eye contact became more mainstream, such brutal procedures were phased out.)

I had been released from the hospital three days after the C-section and had to drive myself back and forth to the hospital several times a day to try to feed him. In addition to John Sr.’s anger and the effects of his severe Tourette Syndrome, I was suffering from exhaustion, fatigue and depression, and am sure our son absorbed all those emotions from us.2 We had a real rough start and baby John was getting hit from every direction—genetics, birth trauma, a depressed mother, and a father who, I thought, wished his son didn’t exist. How much more damage could a newborn have taken?

Once we all recovered from this traumatic birth experience, we resumed life as a happy family, or at least we pretended to be a happy family. I especially was pretty good at convincing myself everything was fine.

In John’s early years, he was much loved and nurtured, and his sisters and grandparents were always there for him, as were both of his parents. He was so cute it was hard not to spoil him. By the time he was four, he started showing signs of being a little too spoiled. Also, I realized there was something very different about him compared with his sisters. One of the things that stuck out in my mind was that he was exceptionally uncontrollable on trips. The relevance of this to his birth trauma was discovered only after I did research after his death. I knew Tourette Syndrome symptoms start to show up around the age of four and this condition is mostly passed down from father to son, so my focus was on that, and only that.

At that time, I believed the only answer for these behavioral problems was prescription drugs such as Ritalin, Catapress and Zoloft. The best doctors in the field of medical genetics were treating him, and by the time he was six, he was on at least three medications. My life revolved around little John’s behavior, and I became a recluse because I hated taking him anywhere in public due to his inability to control himself. He would have temper tantrums in public and throw himself on the floor.

John Sr. had a spending addiction and went to the mall every night, taking the girls with him, which gave me quality alone time with John. I soon realized John was going to have emotional problems that would be difficult to deal with in later life.

Chapter Five
Adolescence Arrives in All Its Glory

It wasn’t long after John started Junior High that I began receiving calls from the school because of his outbursts and truancy, which resulted in many parent-teacher conferences. John had become very hard to handle and was expelled from school. He had to attend what is called “Opportunity School,” which is a school for students who are expelled from the regular school system for behavioral problems and truancy.

John Sr. decided he could do a better job than me of parenting and wanted to try. We were all at a loss as to how to help John, who was in desperate need for any kind of attention from his dad, so he moved into his father’s house. I saw him often during that time he stayed at his father’s house, but on September 19, 1998, I got a call all mother’s dread. “John has been hit by a car.” I freaked out before I heard the words, “but he’s okay.”

John Sr. and I both rushed to the hospital, to learn that John’s knee was severely damaged. He’d been hit by a car while walking in a crosswalk to get to the school bus. It was before 7 a.m., around sunrise, and the bright early morning sun had blinded the driver.

Because I was a practitioner in the healing arts and a massage therapist, John Sr. let me take my son home with me from the hospital so I could take care of him. Also, I was glad to be able to pamper him again.

That knee injury would play a huge and pivotal role in his life right up until the end, and became a backdrop for many key-learning experiences in his soul growth. I learned later that the car accident was one of four possible exit points1 for my son.

The spring came in with new hopes and challenges as the teen years were getting into full swing. I had just worked at a spiritual fair, giving free demonstrations of Reiki. At this fair, I worked with a woman, Julie, who told me of a modality developed by a Dr. Kenneth Fabian that she believed helped her stay alive and survive after her diagnosis of being bipolar. She piqued my interest and spent days teaching me so I could use this technique with my son. It is called “Deep Feeling Contact” or “Bonding”. It seemed too simple to work but I was going to try it anyway. The process involves using your left eye to look intently into the left eye of the “unbonded person,” as the website calls “the subject,” with an intense emotion of sadness. (This was also known as “Soul Contact” and Steve Rother teaches this technique in one of his seminars.)

The process works by activating the emotions to begin the maturation process. This should occur naturally during the initial bonding process between mother and child in the first few days after birth. Of course, in John’s case, I didn’t get to hold him until twelve days after his birth and he was blindfolded, so the time for the natural bonding process was over. Dr. Kenneth Fabian now has great success using this process exclusively with children with autism.

John’s outbursts were getting worse by the day and his humiliation after his episodes was destroying his self-esteem. Clearly he did not want to behave that way and felt extremely bad whenever he did, so Fabian’s therapy was worth the try. My plan was a “five-dollar bribe” for a “one-minute experiment.” Since it was the long Easter weekend, money was an easy bribe. The experiment was planned for Holy Thursday and Julie was going to witness the technique to be sure I was doing it properly. The day arrived and everything went according to plan. John was “Bonded” and out the door he went to hang out with his friends. John’s 15-year-old cousin was spending the weekend with us because her mother was out of town on business. She told me she would be interested in the experiment if she could also have the same “five-dollar” financial reward. Her birth had been even more traumatic than John’s and her emotional development seemed stunted as well. I didn’t see any harm in “Bonding” her as well, so I did the same process with her and then forgot about it.

The next day was Good Friday and all the kids were out of school. I had a one o’clock massage and was in my healing room. (Since I didn’t charge for my massages, I worked out of my home.) John told me that he and his friends were going to the mall and the niece who I’d “Bonded” said she’d be close by in the neighborhood, visiting friends. Just as I was finishing the massage, John burst into the massage room screaming that my niece was in the middle of the street unconscious and that a neighbor had called an ambulance. Apparently, she’d been drinking vodka and was almost dead of alcohol poisoning. I was naive about how much drinking and drugs were being used at that time by all of the kids in the neighborhood. Within a month of this incident, a warning appeared on the website NOT to use this procedure with teenagers. The website had only previously warned to keep a close eye on them. I didn’t realize the danger I’d put my son and niece in.

On the positive side, after we’d all recovered from the trauma of that weekend, John was able to control his emotions enough for us to live a more normal life. We could finally go out in public without the fear of a scene, and I never received another bad conduct report from school again. As a matter of fact, he actually got an “A” in conduct after that. To go from 64 parent/teacher conferences in one year to an “A” in conduct the next is no small miracle. We were also finally able to go out to eat together as a family and take vacations without fear of his behavior problems. We even scheduled a trip to Disneyland in Florida for his next birthday. He was still an argumentative spirit, and always loved to make a point, sometimes too loudly. The difference was that now he could control himself. He was choosing to do that instead of acting without control. He was pleased about this, and no longer felt ashamed after an outburst.

I have used this procedure of “Bonding” many times since with incredible results but I avoid “Bonding” anyone in the teenage years because of what happened to my niece. I still highly recommend that clients learn more about this procedure. In those days, Energy Medicine and its exponential power were still a long way from my comprehension, but my using this simple procedure did not go unnoticed. Dr. Kenneth Fabian gave me a beautiful gift in Bonding that became a foundation I could build upon. I am forever grateful to him and to Julie, who introduced me to his work.

Chapter Six
September 11, 2001, New York

On the surface, all was well. I enrolled John in an on-line school where he could take academic classes from home using his computer. That took a great deal of stress off of me. Getting John to school each day was always the hardest part of my day. For John going to school was like putting him in boiling water every day. I would drive him to school and watch him enter the building. At lunchtime, he would leave the school premises and go hang out with his friends. I did not know where he would hang out and that always weighed heavily on my mind.

Facing the opposition from John Sr. about computer learning from home took a great deal of courage on my part because he felt John would play his guitar instead of concentrating on his schoolwork. Of course, he was right and I knew this, but I also knew that John’s passion was to play his guitar. John liked to learn on the computer and always got good marks if I could get him to actually do the work.

My life was busy taking full-time care of my friend with Parkinson’s who lived in our home 24/7, volunteering at the St. Therese Center doing massage and taking aura photos. I was also having some health challenges that had begun in February. Basically, it was that my menstrual period never ended. All tests showed negative for cancer but nothing could stop my bleeding, not even strong doses of progesterone.

Also, the family was in extreme turmoil over the merger of J & R Flooring with a company owned by someone who seemed to me to be “less than reputable.” I had relinquished my shares of the company to my children in hopes the company would live on for generations to come. Although I now had no legal or financial interest in the company, the emotional shock to my children over the merger was severe. I had no choice but to “stuff” those emotions and pretend this merger didn’t bother me. Many of us have no idea what else to do with painful emotions except to “stuff “ them as we have all been taught.

As usual, another fabulous distraction was about to occur to take my mind off the merger. My niece, Jen, had a major roll in a play called No Mother to Guide Her in a little theater in Tribecca, New York. Closing night was Monday, September 10, 2001, and John, David and I had tickets for that night. We were to arrive on September 10th, check into the Marriott World Trade Center, watch the play and leave the following day – Tuesday, September 11th.

Except for some really scary dreams I was having about that trip, I was looking forward to it, and focused on the positive things in my life. Another life-altering moment was about to occur. My daughter Michelle blessed us with a rare visit to our house. Michelle and I were sitting on the couch when John came out of his room and boldly announced, in no uncertain terms, “I’m not going to New York.” I quickly asked, “Why?” Michelle didn’t wait for his answer and said, “I’ll take his place.” And it was done.

A minor complication surfaced in that Michelle’s stepson, Gino, would be turning seven on Sunday September 9, and she had planned a birthday party for Gino on that day. Michelle asked, “Could we change all the reservations, mom so I can have the party for him Sunday?” She asked this casually, as if it was no big deal, but for me it was huge. First, the airlines are a pain in the you-know-what when you’re using frequent flyer miles to book a flight. Second, the theater was so tiny that it would take a miracle to get new tickets for the last Friday night performance. Miraculously everything was changed and this new schedule was actually going to work out better for Jen because on the last night of a play, there is a cast party and we would not have been able to spend any time with her. This was no small miracle; in fact, it was “A Really Big Miracle,” but we didn’t know that then.

Michelle and I arrived at the hotel in the Marriott World Trade Center on Friday, September 7th, along with my sister Diane and brother-in law Danny, Jen’s parents. Danny worked for Blue Cross and his office was on the 27th floor of the World Trade Center (WTC). As I walked into the building, I began to hemorrhage heavily. In fact, very heavily. I headed to the nearest restrooms that were only a few feet away in the Tall Ships Bar. (The exit in this bar became the main exit through which thousands of people would flee the tower only four days later. So much debris was blocking the other exits that people were diverted through this doorway in order to get out of the building, despite falling bodies and chunks of concrete.)

Once we left the building for lunch and a tour of the area, I felt better. Back then, I never took photographs, but that day, I bought a throwaway camera and photographed many sites of and near the twin towers. I even took one in the subway when we were approaching the terminal at the World Trade Center.

When we arrived at the theater that night, I had the strangest uneasy feeling during the entire time I was inside. I was trying to concentrate on the play so I could discuss it later with Jen but the strange, foreboding feeling was overwhelming. (The next play that would be performed in the theater would be months later, and it would be The Guys, the story about the FDNY firemen who died on 9/11 helping others starring Sigourney Weaver and Bill Murray and was written by Anne Nelson.)

Saturday morning arrived and we all met for breakfast in a coffee shop located in the basement under the World Trade Center and then spent some time shopping. If we’d kept the schedule as originally planned, we would have been in that basement when the planes hit.

Then we wanted to go to the top of the tower for a view of New York City, but it was closed due to fog.

We got to the airport in plenty of time for the 12:50 flight from Kennedy. In the restroom at the airport, I commented to Michelle that once I’d left the WTC area, I had stopped hemorrhaging and my bleeding was back to normal.

Chapter Seven
My Purpose Becomes Clear

Finally, September 24 arrived, the day of my appointment at the Nevada Clinic. I especially hate doctor appointments but knew this one was necessary. I arrived at 9 a.m. and a nurse gave me a series of tests. The Heart Rate Variability test and then a Voll machine test confirmed that things were not good. Dr. Royal himself, the founder, entered the room and explained that his son-in-law, with whom my appointment originally was, had to leave and so I was placed in his hands. He re-did the Voll test, and joked, “I’m retesting because I don’t trust women.” Actually, I think he re-tested me because my test results were so bad that he had personally taken over my case. (After the session was over, Dr. Royal disclosed to me that the life force reading on the Heart Rate Variability test was a “16” and anything below a “20” is considered a near-death number).

Then he asked me to trust him and do whatever he instructed. Under normal circumstances, those words from a doctor would be a big red flag but he was the kind of man I found easy to trust. He began asking weird questions and did not seem impressed by my brilliant theories about the oil and medicines from the AIDS patients affecting my hormones and causing me to bleed. He asked about my childhood, my first marriage and if I’d ever almost bled to death. I found that question unusual and told him several times during the session, “Absolutely not.” (Of course in the car on the way home David reminded me that I had almost died when Jamie was born because they couldn’t stop the bleeding following placenta separation. How our memories work or don’t work. They are so incredibly unreliable.)

Next came the really weird stuff. He would ask me to think of how I felt about something. He had me rate the level of my intensity feeling about it from one to ten and then he started tapping on certain acupressure points on my face, under my arm, under my collarbone and on my hands. He would keep checking the intensity of the emotion and keep tapping until the intense feeling was down to a one or was gone. He had me think about both of my parents to see if there were any emotional scars still affecting my life. He asked me to think about the sorrow of my dad’s death.

When he asked about my first marriage, I began crying uncontrollably and could barely breathe. He re-tested me on the Voll machine, and I could see he had a “back to the drawing board” look on his face. Then he said, “I want you rub on this spot under your left shoulder and say three times, “I deeply and completely accept myself even if I don’t want to get better.”

My reaction to this strange request was clear. I thought, you’re nuts and I’m not going to say anything so stupid, especially when it isn’t true. If I’m spending $700 for the appointment, it’s because I DO want to get better. When I refused to say it, he was sweet and patient with me but insisted I needed to trust him on this if I was to get better. So even though I didn’t have my heart in it, I said what he asked me to say. He re-tested me on the Voll machine again and said my meridians were back in alignment. He told me I would be fine, gave me two homeopathic remedies and sent me on my merry way. I was quite upset because I didn’t believe he’d actually helped me.

It wasn’t until the next day when my bleeding stopped completely that I even considered I might be getting better and that Dr. Royal had actually helped the bleeding stop. Two weeks later when I returned and he re-tested me on the Heart Rate Variability machine, I was at “85.”

After two weeks of not bleeding and feeling noticeably better, I decided to look up on the Internet what Dr. Royal actually did, but I couldn’t even understand the explanation in his pamphlet or the information on the Thought Field Therapy website. By “coincidence,” a class in Thought Field Therapy was being taught by Susanne Connelly the next day in Las Vegas and there was room in the class.
I took my aura camera (a special camera that can photograph electromagnetic fields) to the class so I could see if this therapy really worked. After I took the class, I was blown away by what the aura camera showed and by the science that was behind this therapy. I began tapping on everyone who would sit still, but I must admit that tapping on people is not an easy “sell.” People cannot grasp that something so simple can have such amazing effects, and even fewer people ever realize the full impact of a tapping session. They don’t see their improvement as a result of rubbing on the thoracic duct or sore spot, as everyone in the field refers to it, and saying such things as: “I deeply and completely accept myself even if _________ (name the problem, say, I’m angry at my mother).” When we do this, we are collapsing a subconscious belief. Even fewer realize the full implications of a program embedded in the subconscious.

(It took over a year after my session with Dr. Royal to remember that I had named myself after St. Rose of Lima as a confirmation name. She wore a crown of thorns under her habit so she would slowly bleed to death. I used to study the lives of the saints and be so upset because you couldn’t be a saint anymore or die a martyr. If I could have become one, as a child I would have applied. I was obsessed with being a nun and had my sights set on being a saint. The bleeding from which I almost died twice was a big clue to me about my subconscious martyr syndrome.) I might have wanted to die in the twin towers to fulfill my childhood wish of being a martyr.

I became obsessed with this tapping technique because, with my aura camera, I could see the energy shift in people with the use of this modality. All negative emotion is a disruption in the energy field. The aura photos, which are able to reflect these energy shifts, gave some validation to the clients who came to me for sessions. I began studying every modality linked to the entire field of Energy Psychology. I took classes directly with many of the founders of each of these modalities, and couldn’t get enough education or practice in the field. I just knew I could help John with this so my heart was in it all the way. Of course, getting John to let me help him was going to be the hard part.

The next memorable time I worked with John stemmed from an outright threat on my part. It was before a trip to Michigan to see my niece, Amy, play an Indian in Peter Pan at the community theater in the Kalamazoo Civic Theater. My reservations were made but not John’s because he would never commit to fly. This was due to his severe phobia of flying. When he finally decided to go, I only had enough points for a coach seat for him so we would not be sitting together on the flights. Him sitting alone did not bother me because his behavior was always at its worst at airports and while he was flying.

The day before the planned trip, at his sister’s birthday party, I noticed his anxiety level getting high. When we returned home from the party, I told him, “If you don’t let me tap on you, you can’t come with me.” I’d never forced a treatment on him before but I knew he was getting crazy because of his anxiety over flying. He seemed relieved that I forced him into it because, this way, he didn’t have to ask mom for help.

After we tapped on the flying anxiety, I could see his whole demeanor change. If we tapped out anxiety, we needed to fill the space with a new positive program. You can think of it like deleting an old version of a program in the computer and installing a new version. He told me he wanted to fly first class with me. Being an optimist, I said, “Okay, let’s do it!” He envisioned sitting next to me in first class on all six flights, three in each direction between Las Vegas and Kalamazoo. We tapped it in and I was curious to see how he would do. He was in an exceptionally good mood preparing for the trip, and I kept teasing him about what he’d done with the “Real John.”

At the airport, Delta Airlines informed us there was NO WAY they could upgrade a ticket purchased with points. John didn’t get upset, saying, “See, it didn’t work.” He remained in a good mood and just took it in stride. I, of course, checked again with the agent at the gate for an upgrade ticket and received the exact same response. On the plane, John went to his seat in coach and I went to mine in first class feeling really guilty. Just as they brought me my wine (to ease the guilt), the agent walked up to me and said, “There’s no reason your son should not sit next to you since we have an empty seat.”

When I went back to coach and told John, he had a huge smile on his face that set the tone for the most magical weekend. I know this is hard to believe but the same thing happened on all six flights! Now the Irish will never let the truth stand in the way of a good story, but this is the truth.

Chapter Eight
More Lessons for John

John Drives

John had resigned himself to not going away to school that fall and decided to buy a truck. Because of the high rate of teenage accidents, I suggested John get an old truck for a year and then he could have any car or truck he wanted. He willingly agreed to this and bought an old Ford Bronco. About two weeks after he got his license, he got up on Sunday morning and told us, “I’m going to pick up Derek, a friend, and drive him home.” If the guys in the neighborhood were partying on a Saturday night, they would crash wherever they were that night and find a way home the next morning. John was excited to do this.

Two minutes after he left the house, the phone rang. He had hit a light post and needed me to come right away. By the time I got there, traffic was backed up because the Bronco had caught on fire and then finally became engulfed in flames. Four fire trucks were on hand, putting out the fire, and no traffic was moving because of a police barricade around the entire area. The column of smoke seemed to be a mile high in the sky. The first thought David and I had was that John had gone back into the truck for his CDs just before it became consumed in flames and that he’d been killed. David told me to get out of the car and run to the scene because we couldn’t drive through the police line. As I left David in the car, I could see him make the sign of the cross. Of course, in the back of my mind was the prediction that John wouldn’t see his twentieth birthday. Finally as I approached the scene, I couldn’t even recognize what had once been a Ford Bronco. A police officer saw the panic on my face and asked if I was “Mom.” The police officer pointed over to the grass and I spotted John sitting there safely about a hundred feet away. He was immensely relieved to see me.

John later explained, “After I hit the post, the truck spiraled out of control and Derek didn’t have his seatbelt on. The passenger door flew open and Derek held onto the door through the open window as he swung outside the truck. The back wheel came off and the truck almost overturned onto Derek. As soon as the truck stopped, we got out but the sparks from the wheel that came off started the fire and then the truck became a fireball.”

John realized how close he came to killing his friend. The truck would have crushed Derek if it had flipped onto its side. Apparently, John had looked down to change the song on the CD player and wasn’t paying attention. When he looked up and saw the light post, he tried to turn but the side of Bronco bounced off the light post. When I was teaching him to drive, I must have yelled at him a thousand times for changing a CD and not watching the road.

This close call reminded me of the astrologer’s awful prediction about his early exit and I was constantly holding my breath about that. However, John did become a much more careful driver after that. The next purchase was a brand new truck and it wasn’t long before his next accident, which wasn’t his fault. He was rear-ended by a police officer because John slowed down for an ambulance to pass and the policeman did not. John suffered a severe neck injury, which took three months to heal enough for the doctor to release him for work.

On July Fourth, the day before he was to return to work, John dove into the swimming pool and hit his head hard on the bottom. His head wound was streaming with blood and he re-injured his neck. He went back to the same chiropractor who took x-rays and the doctor told John he had a concussion and more damage to his neck, so he couldn’t go back to work for at least two weeks. Not only did this news receive no sympathy from John Sr. but it also was the straw that broke the camel’s back. John Sr. unloaded like never before about what a disappointment John was and basically told John he never wanted to see him again. This was the worst fight the two of them had ever had, and John stayed in his room for three days. I was starting to worry, but got him out of his room by convincing him to go to the beach with his friends. This prospect cheered him up, and he started to plan the trip. In fact, John became famous for his trips to the beach.

Chapter Ten
Nine Months Remain –
A Reverse Pregnancy

As I look back now, these last nine months were so intense with the final preparations for his leaving – it felt like a reverse pregnancy. I spent nine months preparing for his birth and now I would give him back.

Christmas 2004 was over and it had been a good one. Two really wonderful things happened that season. First, I was invited for the first time since 1993 to the J and R Flooring Christmas party. My daughter Jamie now solely owned the company, and my children really wanted me there. Being the ex-wife, I was obviously not welcome at prior year’s parties while John Sr. owned the company. That had now changed, so I got to see them play and it was a huge thrill for me. No one could have dreamed that it would be the last time this would ever happen. What a wonderful gift that was for me.

Another wonderful gift was that John, David and I adopted one of the local charities and gave them a fabulous holiday. I was working with the social workers for the State of Nevada in my sound research. One charity I worked with was the Oasis Center, a residential program for children with emotional problems that made it hard to place them in foster homes. Working with individuals with emotional problems was right at the heart of what I loved to do.

After one of the sessions with a housemother, I asked what Christmas was like at the center. To my horror, she described a very sad tale. Because of a state law, the employees cannot solicit funds or donations for the center. The state provides a gift certificate of $50 per child each year and that’s all the children receive. I knew that Las Vegas was an extremely generous community and other Las Vegas charities receive large donations at Christmas, but these poor kids had slipped through the cracks. For example, Child Haven, a more temporary shelter for abused and abandoned children, gets a great deal of attention and donations thanks to tennis star Andre Agassi and many other generous patrons. Child Haven always gets publicity during the holidays from all the local TV stations. I asked one of the housemothers to get a “wish list” from each of the children. Together, John, David and I, along with all of David’s generous associates and Susan Erling, a very generous friend of mine, raised enough money to more than fill their “wish list.” We bought brand new computers, new carpet (donated by my daughter Jamie), plenty of “impossible to get” X-boxes, and truckloads of gently used clothes and toys. The Oasis Center had a fabulous Christmas. We also gave them gift certificates for various stores near the center that lasted through half the following year.

We received the names of each child at the center and John had a special gift for each of them. He put $40 in each envelope, sat with each of them, looked into their eyes, hugged them and wished them a Merry Christmas. This experience had a huge impact on him and he cried in the car on the way home, for he wanted to do much more for them than just give them money. I talked about him giving them guitar lessons and how much they would love that because they loved the karaoke machine we had given to them. He said, “I don’t think I’m a good enough teacher.”

Soon Valentine’s Day came and Oasis Center invited us to a thank-you party in appreciation of the Christmas we’d given them. The kids went all out to show their thanks, each writing a thank-you note for the individual gift they had received. Also, they made a large 3 x 5 foot poster for all the group gifts we’d given the center.

Before we even knew about the thank-you party, John had mentioned he wanted to do something special again for the center. I told him, “I’ll pick up hearts filled with chocolate and cards for you.” He insisted, “Go to ‘Sees Candy’ in the mall. I want them to have the best chocolates available. And can you get enough cash for another cash gift for each child.”

As I mentioned before, I hate the mall but of course I did what he asked, complaining all the while I stood in the two-hour line. I could have bought the chocolate hearts at Target in five minutes (I guess there are still remnants of my martyr program). John insisted, “If I’m going to give them something, it’s not going to be crummy chocolate.”

Again he was so moved by the way these children were growing up without parents and he couldn’t get over it. John had connected with one young man at Christmas, and asked why he wasn’t there. He was told, “He wasn’t allowed to come to the party because he’s being punished.”

This was incomprehensible to John because he was never really punished as a child and felt that just living at the center was punishment enough for anything the young man had done. I explained, “With so many children, the rules and discipline have to be enforced to keep any kind of order. These house mothers do not have the same luxury of spoiling the children that other people do.”
For the first time in his life, John realized just how lucky he had been his whole life and how easy his life was in comparison to theirs. He even saw his relationship with his father from a whole different perspective. He began to see things, not as a spoiled child with a knee problem, but from the perspective of one who had much to contribute to this world. He became grateful for everything good in his life and started saying, “Thank you” constantly. He always said, “I love you, Mom,” but the added flavor of gratitude was especially nice. I was proud of him and who he had become.

Chapter Twelve
The Blessed Mother Prepares Me

The next morning, John called and told me he had in fact almost been arrested the previous day. Most of his friends hung out in front of his friend Brian’s house, which served as the neighborhood stop off. We had lived next door to Brian for several years and everyone knew everyone in the neighborhood. John had driven to Brian’s house and as he got out of his truck, three police cars had pulled up. He was handcuffed and held at gunpoint. They told him there was a report of a terrorist with a shotgun in the neighborhood, and John fit his description. John told the police he had a good job, owned his own house and had no record of any kind.

The police were angry and treated him rough; doing everything they could to make him give them a reason to arrest him. They called him names, searched his truck and became even angrier at not finding anything to at least ticket him. (After Cattel told me he might get arrested, I’d warned John to make sure he didn’t even have a pipe or rolling paper in his truck, let alone pills or alcohol.) John and his truck were both squeaky clean, which angered the police even more. Just then, a female friend who lived in the neighborhood drove up to see what was happening and they searched her car. She was not so lucky, and the police handcuffed her and gave her a ticket. The parents on the block came out and assured the police they’d known John since he was a child and that they obviously had the wrong person, which again made the police even more furious. Finally, after what seemed like hours to John, they let him go. However, even as they did so, they called him “a piece of shit.”

He couldn’t believe that they not only didn’t apologize, but also foul-mouthed him. He was so horrified at what the police could get away with that he planned to write his next song about it. For the first time in his life, he realized what life must be like for a person in a minority.

John was not nearly as upset about this incident with the police as I thought he would be. He took it as a great learning experience and felt there was a purpose in it. He was much more concerned about what he could do for the people in Louisiana affected by hurricane Katrina. He wanted to start a drive at J & R Flooring for the victims, and planned to talk to his brother-in-law, who was his boss, about it at lunch.

John believed that it’s a songwriter’s responsibility to teach through music, and his songs show this. One of my favorite songs he wrote is called Jesus Never Said You’re Not Worthy, about the fact that the Catholic religion teaches us that we are not worthy but that is simply not true. Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus say that. John wrote this song as a gift to me because he knew much of my work is dealing with the issues of unworthiness and self-hatred.

We went to lunch and discussed his future life. He was evaluating some short-term options, such as quitting his job and going to work as a volunteer for the Red Cross. He was also thinking of moving to Houston to be near Dominique because he missed her so much. He was looking into music schools in Houston. He was also thinking of going to Austin, Texas to visit Joe, a musician friend of his dad’s who flew to Las Vegas every year to play keyboards at the J&R Flooring Christmas party. Joe respected John as a musician and felt John could make a living running a music recording studio, which was the same work Joe did. But for right now, John’s focus was on moving back in with David and me. I told him that David and I were getting ready to go to Sedona for a couple of days and we would be back on Friday, September 23.

On Tuesday September 20, John called me in Sedona to tell me he was worried about Dominique’s safety because a hurricane was headed directly for Houston. It was still three days away from Houston so I told him to get Dominique on a plane to Las Vegas right away. I added, “Listen to me for the first time in your life. Do not wait another minute.” My ulterior motive was that I just had a feeling this would be a good thing for him. She could help him pack and get out of his house and back home to me, so I was overly pushy about it. He told me I was overreacting and that Dominique would never leave her family.

Later that day, while David and I were still in Sedona, we received a call from a neighbor because our overhead garage door was open. This is never a good thing to hear when you’re out of town so I asked John to check out the house and close the overhead garage door. He called back and said, “The only other thing that’s unusual is that the boat cover is off.” We knew we’d closed the garage door and securely tied down the boat cover when we’d left the house. My mind started working overtime. I asked John, “Which address did you give the police when they handcuffed you?” He said, “Yours. I never changed my driver’s license address from your house to mine.”

I was really concerned that the police were actually looking for drugs and that the story they gave John about a terrorist was just a cover for a drug bust. I was sure the police had searched our house and the boat for drugs. My mind was racing out of control as I could feel in my heart he was in danger. I called him back. “Listen, John, get all the drugs out of your house NOW.”

Chapter Thirteen
The Final Touches of a Life

Monday morning, John showed up at the house on some kind of pills, and I couldn’t stand to even look at him with that look in his eyes. I made him breakfast and told him to come back tomorrow when he was “clean.” He felt really bad that I was so hard on him, but to my surprise he showed up on Tuesday morning clean. His eyes were clear and so was his head. He said, “I’ll come every day for a session with you until I move back in on Sunday. I want to go to Houston as soon as the planes are flying again after the hurricane.” Then he talked again about joining the Red Cross, and about colleges in Texas.

Also, he had severely injured his knee again. He had forgotten to wear his knee brace and his knee had given way. As a result, he’d fallen down the stairs and hit his head so hard that his head literally had gone through the wall. He added, “My head is okay, but I’m more worried about the cost of fixing the wall.” I told him I would help him find a good contractor to repair it.

I told him about a new therapy called “Prolo Therapy” that might work without surgery. It strengthens ligaments with injections. It actually deliberately re-injures the knee to allow the body to repair itself. I had researched this therapy and was really impressed with its results. He asked, “Can you make an appointment right away because my knee is killing me, but I am absolutely not going to have surgery again.”

In the back of my mind, I was thinking, if he did have surgery again, I would take care of him at my house again. He could completely detox and I would know where he was every minute. That might be a miracle in itself. I also love taking care of people when they are sick and he was my favorite patient. I was very good at making the best of a bad situation. He kissed me goodbye and thanked me for being there for him. He said, “I’ll come before lunch tomorrow for the session. I want to take you out to lunch at the Macaroni Grill.”

Our session on Wednesday was very productive. In the BodyTalk System, a system of Energy Medicine, which I always use to begin a session, I was instructed to treat John’s, breathing. John admitted, “I’m having trouble breathing since I hit my head when I fell down the stairs.”

I did treat the breathing and after the session his breathing was greatly improved. We were both thrilled that he felt immediate relief. He said, “I don’t want a long session today because I’m hungry. I’ll be back every day, so let’s go eat.”

Over lunch, he told me, “You really hurt my feelings by sending Glen up to the house to tell me to get rid of any drugs. Everybody at work already thinks badly about me, and that only made it worse.” It’s true. The office staff at J & R Flooring is all family members, related either to his dad or to Glen, Jamie’s husband. John was very sensitive about what they might think about him and knew this “possible drug bust” put him in a bad light. That’s the kind of gossip that the family makes a big deal about. He said, “I’m not mad at you but wanted you to know how hurt I felt that you did that.”

I was totally ashamed of myself. He was so sincere and calm, and my heart broke because I could imagine how bad I made him feel by doing this. I had only wanted to protect him from further problems. He knew I was worried about him so he dropped the subject right away. After lunch, as we pulled into the garage, he said, “Mom, this is the first time we had lunch and didn’t fight about something.” It wasn’t that we would really fight. He would just get easily annoyed at something I would say or do. He left, saying quickly, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The next day, I was thrilled to see how clear his eyes were but I could tell he was having a bad day. As soon as he climbed up on the massage table for the session, he started talking about his money. He told me, “I want to put it all in your name so I won’t have access to it anymore. I don’t trust myself and want to get money only through you.”

I said, “I think you’re being very responsible and I’m sure you don’t need to do that. Let’s talk more about it after the session.” (I found out long after he died that a couple of people were really pressuring him to lend them money.) He told me his knee was still hurting a lot. I always use the BodyTalk System so I couldn’t work on his knee yet. Through kinesiology, I asked his body what to do first and was instructed to first use tuning forks on his neck.

Chapter Fourteen
A New Form Is Taken

I turned and saw Jack, John’s best friend and his mother, crying and running towards us through the gate of the backyard. The instant I saw them, I knew the moment I’d dreaded since that astrology reading was here. Jack was screaming, “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.”

I asked as calm as I have ever spoken, “Is he dead?” After Jack said, “Yes,” I asked, “How?” and held my breath. I needed to know above all else that John didn’t suffer. The answer to this question was more important than anything else to me. Jack fell to his knees and then sat on the step with his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Between sobs, he said, “John didn’t wake up, and it’s my fault.”

I hugged him and told him, “It’s not your fault, no matter what happened. John and I both knew he was going to die and it was only a matter of how. What ever happened was not your fault.”

Jack’s mother was crying and David was sitting on the boat with his head in his hands not yet able to move. It took a long time for Jack to stop crying so I could do what I knew had to be done. Finally, Jack was able to explain why he felt it was his fault. “I took Alex to John’s house with me from a concert last night. I knew Alex was using oxy, and he begged John to buy him five oxy to hold him for a while. Another reason it’s my fault is because John asked me to let another friend, Sharon, come over to spend the night to help him stay off drugs until he made it to your house. I objected to Sharon coming over because she and I had had a falling out and I told John I didn’t want her around.”

So I asked, “Where is John now?” Jack led me to believe that the police had already been to the house and John’s body had already been removed. My first call was to the morgue, and I learned they had no record of him. My sister Teresa is a good friend of the Coroner, so she was my next call. I told her, “John has died from an overdose but we can’t find his body, so could you start calling? I’m going to John’s grandparents’ house to tell them what happened and get John Sr.’s phone number so I can let him know what happened.”

In all of this, I had not yet cried a tear. I just needed to take care of telling John’s father and sisters, and find my baby. I needed to find my baby. The terror of seeing his body kept me from breaking down. I was paralyzed in fear. Nothing scared me more than what I was about to face. I knew it would fall to me to identify his body. I had done it my dream and was terrified.

I had just finished reading the book about the life of St. Francis and Living with Soul, the book by Tony Stubbs. These books reminded me of what I needed to know in my heart to get through the next few days. There would be no blame. I did not even blame myself at this point. (There would be plenty of time for that later.) Each of us could trace back to something we should have done, or not done, that would have changed what had just happened. I knew Mother Mary had John safe in her arms and he would never cry again in pain.

A priest, Father Joseph O’ Brian, director of the St. Therese Center for HIV and AIDS where I had volunteered as a massage therapist for many years, would be able to say the funeral Mass at the Shrine of The Most Holy Redeemer Church across from the Luxor Hotel. I knew the power of this Sacrament for helping the soul pass through the stages of ascension into the higher levels of light. Although I do not agree with what most religions do, I am aware of the sacredness of the Holy Sacraments, Mass and Holy Communion being two of the most powerful. I was thrilled that I could have a funeral Mass said for John. Friday was the first day available at the church and I took it.

Wednesday was a private viewing for immediate family only, so no one but the family knew about it. I was glad I could have some time with my son before all of his and our friends and business associates would be there. I was exceptionally frightened about seeing his body for the first time. Sheer panic took over. In my heart, I thought I might die from sadness by just looking at him. This was more frightening for me than anything I could imagine. I have never been afraid of anything more than one of my children dying and now I had to face that one of them actually had. This was the thing I had dreaded and tried so hard to prevent. Had the warning that this could have happen been a blessing or a curse for me? What if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy? Could I have brought this upon him because I believed the original prediction?

The ride to the funeral home was like going to my own execution, with everything in extra slow motion. John was in the largest chapel, so even the walk to his coffin took forever. David and I arrived early in case I went completely nuts and he had to get me out of there. Finally I was beside the coffin and getting ready to kneel before it. I was calm and still breathing. Even in death, John was beautiful and I loved him so. I wondered how it would it feel to touch my child’s cold hand. Would I die then? I felt he was still there.

My eyes began to play trick on me, for I saw his eyelids move. I felt he was communicating with me already and that he would never stop.

There were only two members of my family I could even mention this to. My daughter Michelle and my niece Jen … and they both had the exact same feeling. We knew everyone else would think we were crazy, so we just spoke about these things when we were alone.

On Thursday morning, the day of the public viewing and the Rosary, I was supposed to have been in the advanced training of Steve Rother’s Spiritual Psychology class. Steve was going to do the channel at the retreat house in Mt. Charleston, and invited me to get the Group’s perspective on John’s death. The channeling was early in the morning so we would still have plenty of time to get to the funeral parlor by one o’clock. I invited Dominique, Jack and Brian, another close friend of John’s, to come with David and me. On the way up to the retreat house, we started to listen to John’s original music to choose which songs to play at the service that night. There were hundreds of songs to sort through. I knew Jen and John Sr. were going to sing. I had requested Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton, the song he wrote after his five year old son passed away. Jamie had asked her father to sing that song at her sixteenth birthday party. The video we have of that song at the birthday party showed both John and his father through the whole song. John was only six then and was singing it along with his dad. I couldn’t believe he would now sing it at his son’s funeral.

Chapter Fifteen
The Shock Is Over; the Grief Begins
The Meaning of the Tear in the Tapestry

What do you do the day after you bury your child or spouse, get diagnosed with cancer, lose your job, find out your wife is cheating on you, accused of a crime you did not commit, get raped, lose a limb, get drafted into a war you don’t want to fight, lose your ability to take care of your family, suddenly realize you’re addicted to painkillers, told that your child has autism or never arrived at school, have a stroke or a heart attack, are put into a long term care facility when your family can no longer keep you around, get into a car accident after you had two glasses of wine, or realize you are losing your memory little-by-little each day, to name a few.

Each day you wake up, you feel as if you’re in the middle of a swimming pool. You’re out of your depth, can’t swim and can barely see the sides. You panic and realize you’re alone. It doesn’t matter how many hands are trying to reach out and help you. These are the things you go through alone when you wake up in the morning and realize your trauma was not a dream. It was real. Your life has changed forever. You wonder if the pain of waking up will ever lessen. You wonder why you even wake up if it is true. It would be easier to never wake up again, but you do wake up again and again, only to realize you now must learn to swim to the edge of that pool or you’ll sink into a depression from which you will never recover.

Each day, you decide if you’ll learn to swim or just allow yourself to sink to the bottom and die. Days come and go, and yet you still wake up in the center of that pool and must decide again to try to swim or just give up? You ask yourself, what matters? What really matters? The answer to that question is going to determine if you swim or sink.

Something has to matter. If you cannot find something to matter, you may not find the determination to learn to swim again. The other option is to stay alive only out of the fear of dying, but that is not living. This is like the movie The Night of the Living Dead. You never engage again in life. You simply go through the mechanics of functioning as a human being. Other people do not notice that you’re not really there anymore, because you can “act out life” very well. The true essence of you begins to disappear behind the walls of a fortress within, and you don’t care.

If you’re lucky, after any of these things, there will be people who are relying on you for something. It could be family, relatives or just friends. If you are needed, you will have a better chance to recover. If you have children who need you, or people at work who are counting on you, or a spouse depending on you, or even a dog to care for, this can help. The only real difference will be if you can find a dream for your life that still pulls at your heartstrings. A dream that can light the pilot light again in your heart.

These are the things that can get you to learn to swim through the first year of a life-changing event. Nothing is easy about the adjustment period to a life that will never be the same. The most important thing for me was to be and feel productive. I knew I could still make a difference. The biggest difference I could make in this human form was to radiate thoughts of love. Even if we cannot speak or move a muscle, we can make a difference by radiating thoughts of love. Many souls who come in and seemingly have nothing to live for are here to emit love just by being where they are. They are human love amplifiers.

We have much to learn from these highly vibrating beings of light. If your whole world falls apart and you just begin to think loving thoughts, your world will be a brighter place. It is possible to train your mind to repeat a highly vibrating thought hundreds of times per day to lift you up. Something as simple as “Glory to God in the Highest,” or, “My Gaze is only on God,” or the phase, “I Love You, Jesus.”

This is not to be confused with stuffing emotions and living in denial. I read that many of the prisoners in Nazi Germany would raise their hands and bless the tormentors in the death camps. They figured out that this blessing they sent out lifted their own pain and suffering. The intention was only to send love to their executioners but they found the blessing ran through them as an added gift.

It is only about choice of focus. No one can take away the power to focus our thoughts. It is always better to process the nagging thoughts so you can be sure the negative thoughts are not festering in your physical body. Hurt feelings, thoughts of self-judgment and blame are sometimes the most difficult to process and it takes determination. Most of us would throw out the sour milk in the refrigerator if we noticed it. The concept is the same: Being vigilant of repetitive negative thoughts and taking full responsibility for them requires courage.

Chapter Sixteen
Communications across the Veil

John’s first communication directly with me took place in the middle of the night. I was suddenly wide-awake about three in the morning.

We probably have all have had that wonderful feeling when you have the alarm set for 5 a.m., wake up at 3 a.m. and know you are not going to fall back asleep until 4:45 a.m.

I thought I heard John tell me to send an email to Susan, my friend who makes the jewelry.

I began to talk to him out loud asking, “Why do I have to send an e-mail at three in the morning?” He said something like, “Because I say so. Ha, Ha.”

I could hear the humor in his voice, I think coming from his funny side, meaning, “Like now you have to listen to me.”

I didn’t even believe I was hearing him, but I sent the e-mail anyway, telling her: “I’m sure everything is going to be fine. I’m sure Teresa will find a way to make it better.”

(This was a reference to a lawsuit involving the company owned by her father.) I never had the guts to say it was John who made me write the e-mail.)

Chapter Seventeen
Grief Grows Like a Weeping Willow
Can Grief Be an Addiction?

About a week before my nephew’s wedding, I was again on the boat, alone and crying. The boat had become my sanctuary to grieve for John. The last time I held my son was at my wedding in May when we danced to the song: You Are the Sunshine of My Life. I was worried I would break down and cry when my nephew danced with his mom at his upcoming wedding, bringing back this memory of my last dance with John. I decided to think about the upcoming event and just cry it out so I would be fine and not cry at the wedding.

In fact, I was making myself sick over it, and was obsessed with the thought of breaking down at my nephew’s wedding. Every chance I got, I’d go to the boat and play a song that would make me cry. On a gloomy day just before the wedding, I was on the boat crying and I heard John’s voice as clear as day, saying very loudly, “WILL YOU JUST TAP.” I heard this with my human ears and the sheer volume startled me.

Of course, I teach people to tap but never even thought of using it for my situation. I am the queen of denial but decided to give it a try. I began with, “I deeply and completely accept myself even if I am afraid I will cry it at the wedding when Diane dances with her son.” Instantly the pain was gone and I was absolutely fine. What a surprise! That must mean this tapping works for me, too, I thought. What do you know? I will never stop being amazed at how much we humans love pain and suffering. I teach tapping every day and yet I can’t even remember to do it for myself. Don’t I feel like the drama queen now?

Of course, as the moment approached at the wedding, my daughters were hovering close by in case they needed to hide me, but I did great. I was amazed, grateful and thrilled as all of the other wedding guests applauded at seeing the “Mother and Son” dance.
When I was alone in the afternoons after a day of seeing clients, I would often think about John, put on a video of the funeral and just cry. One particular day, I had some filing to do in my office, so I decided to combine crying and mourning with filing. I poured a glass of wine and pulled out all the DVDs of John that brought on the tears, but not a single DVD would work. I began to get really frustrated as one DVD after another failed to play.

Finally, I got to the last DVD, which covered the last year of his life and it included a clip of a practice session with his sister for an audition for the Suncoast Casino and Hotel. They hated it when I filmed them and told me, “Don’t you dare.” I said fine and went upstairs. At the top of the stairs, I lay on the floor and filmed through the banister. I was sure I was well hidden but John saw me and yelled in his angry booming Italian voice, “TURN THE F***ING THING OFF,” which I promptly did.

I put this last DVD into the computer and for no reason, it began playing at exactly the spot when he yelled: “TURN THE F***ING THING OFF.” I restarted the DVD but the same thing happened. After the fourth time of the same command, I cracked up laughing. I realized John was controlling the computer and was telling me to turn it off. He didn’t want me to watch anything that made me sad and was letting me know I was addicted to crying, mourning and grieving.

I understood instantly how we become addicted to a vibration of an emotion. Grief was like candy for me and I knew it, so this insight was the biggest “Aha” I’d had in a long time about a vibration. I realized we become addicted to such vibrations as blame, anger, sadness, fear and self-loathing. My addiction was grief and he was teaching me this through the computer. I put on some happy music and filed away. However I did finish the wine and did it in joy and not in sadness. This realization helped me a great deal in my sessions with Emotional Freedom Techniques. “Even if I am addicted to blame, fear or whatever” was always added whenever I sensed the vibration was an actual addiction. Blame often pops up, especially when the program of being a victim is deeply embedded in the subconscious. For a quick five minute demonstration of exactly how this works, you can just go to my website and click on the bar that says, “Learn emotional tapping techniques.”

Chapter Twenty One
My Gift from John:
The Pink Ball of Light

On October 25, 2007, I went to bed as usual except I took my favorite picture of John and lit a candle next to it to look at while I went to sleep. Again at three o’clock in the morning, (obviously their favorite time to play on the other side), John woke me up and told me to photograph the moon. By now I use two digital cameras that capture things unseen by the naked eye. Intuitively I knew to use my new 10 megapixel digital camera. I love the moon over the lake with the mountains in the background so I was eager to fulfill his request. The moon was huge, almost full, and getting ready to set over the mountain range. As I began to take the pictures, I could see some energy in the camera and a very noticeable pink ball of light. I checked to see if I could see this ball of light when not looking through the camera viewfinder. It was not there. I took a number of photos and realized that I could, with my intention, move the pink ball of light. First, it was next to the moon. After taking several shots, I realized it was moving with the camera. As long as the moon was in the viewfinder screen, the pink ball was there. I could move it from right next to the moon to inside the lake area. I then aligned it perfectly between the moon and the moon’s reflection on the lake. It was a beautiful picture.1 I was beside myself at having discovered this new interactive aspect of the camera. I didn’t know what I should do about this at three in the morning so I just took another bath and went back to bed. I knew that the next day I would look at the photos more closely on the computer.

The next day, as I was looking at these photographs of the pink ball of light on the computer and explaining to David what happened, Susan called with her usual opening line, “I had a dream about you and John last night.” By now I just said, “Go” and she starts, always as excited as I am about whatever adventure John takes us on. She told me he came to her last night in a huge pink ball of light above a burning candle. It had not occurred to me until then that the pink ball of light could be John. I was thinking maybe it was an angel or some type of energy. She said his face was clear and he was speaking softly so she could barely hear him. She was so excited to be able to see him that she didn’t really care what he was saying. We were both so excited about this that we were not coherent.

That evening, when the moon came out, I was thrilled to discover that the pink ball of light was still visible in the camera and could be seen by others. I could still photograph it and it was now also appearing in my other camera. As I was photographing, I asked David to come outside so I could get him in the picture. After taking a few more pictures, I decided to blend the pink ball of light with David. I directed the camera so that the pink ball of light would blend with his image. As I took the picture, I thought I’d broken the camera because David’s image in the picture came out blurry; almost like a “see through” image. Also, I felt a terrible sadness that I couldn’t figure out. The sadness was intense and washed over me or ran through me.

Later that evening when I took my bath, I put my favorite picture of John where I could see him above the bathtub and lit a candle. I took a picture of them and to my complete surprise the pink ball of light was again in the camera viewer and I could move it around in the camera viewfinder. I looked into the flame and could see John’s face, so I asked him what had happened when I blended the pink light with the image of David. I heard him say (in my head, not my human ears), “I was so sad because David didn’t know I touched him.” Wow, I thought. They must miss human touch on the other side of the veil.

Chapter Twenty Two
Revelations of the Tapestry

John: We would give advice to you and to anyone involved with this project in anyway. REMEMBER, EACH CHILD IS A VERY, VERY UNIQUE EXPRESSION OF DIVINE SPIRIT, and you cannot pigeonhole them according to what anyone else has done. It is important to keep the light of the uniqueness alive in each child, for that is the essence of spirit they are bringing in more brightly than those of the older generations. It is not an easy time to be a parent because we have both of the opposites fully active right now. When we have both of the opposites fully active, it is a constant balancing act. We would, however, say to EVERY parent: “Do not be afraid to do the right thing. Do not to be afraid to stand by your principles. Don’t be afraid your child is not going to like you. You are the parent; that is the role you play.

Sometimes as a parent, you see your children making wrong choices, choosing things that are going to hurt them, and you know this. If they decide they are going to hate you for the rest of their lives, at least they have the rest of their lives. They will have more time to work it out. And we assure you, they will not hate you for the rest of their lives. DO NOT LET THE CONFLICT FRIGHTEN YOU! When light comes into the dark. there does not have to be conflict, but if there is resistance, there will be. Since that is how we have set it up here at the moment, that’s OK. Do not be afraid to wear the warrior guise.

Statistics 2004: Death by Overdose

As I began to research the number of accidental deaths due to overdoses in this country I was shocked and horrified. The total population of the United States is 303,109,527 and the population of Clark County, Nevada is 1,777,539 (or about 0.6% of the total US population). The total deaths by accidental overdose were 19,838 in the US and 401 in Clark County, Nevada, which is 2.0% of the US total deaths). So, in Clark County, the rate of death by overdose rate is 350% higher than the national average. (From the Clark County Coroners office or found on the Internet.)

Aside from the overwhelming numbers, two things were totally unexpected. The first was that Las Vegans have a 350% higher overdose rate than the national average. The second was that the victims are not only teenagers and young adults. I was amazed to see the problem in all age brackets, including many senior citizens. These numbers horrified us, and worse, the numbers are increasing annually. (I remember feeling the same way when I first read how willingly the Jews walked into the gas chambers in WWII.) We may as well put handguns and grenades into our medicine cabinets for our families to play with.

I have always felt I was my son’s first drug pusher for putting him on so many drugs before the age of seven. I feel guilty for looking the other way when it came to beer and pot but the truth is, most of us self-medicate and are all brainwashed into thinking we need a pill to solve all of our problems. It wouldn’t surprise me if Americans line up for a pill that whitens your teeth with a list of side effects a mile long. I am not advocating to stay away from all medications but most of the prescriptions Americans take are either supposedly preventative or are for things that could be handled with some self-responsibility in diet, exercise or nutrition, not to mention Vibrational Medicine.

Appendix C
Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)

In the mid-1990s, Gary Craig created EFT as a simplification of and improvement over Dr. Roger Callahan’s TFT (see Appendix B). Craig trained with Dr. Callahan in the early 1990s, and was the first person Dr. Callahan trained in Voice Technology. Craig soon discovered that the sequence of tapping points did not matter and that Dr. Callahan’s proprietary diagnostics were unnecessary, so he did away with them. In lieu of individual algorithms for specific problems, he came up with a comprehensive “one size fits all” sequence for all problems. This avoids the need for diagnosis or muscle testing.

One EFT practitioner claims, “You can use it for everything from the common cold to cancer.” The basic EFT technique involves holding a disturbing emotion or traumatic memory in the mind while simultaneously using the fingers to tap on a series of 12 specific points on the body that correspond to the body’s meridians. The principle is that negative emotions are caused by disturbances in the body’s energy field and that tapping on the meridians while thinking of a negative emotion changes the body’s energy field, bringing it back into balance.

Gary Craig maintains that negative emotions are built in the following stages:

1. Something negative happens to you.

2. As a result, you experience a negative emotion, i.e., you feel bad.

3. The negative emotion leads to negative programming inside the body’s energy system, which is disrupted in some way.

4. This disruption influences how you respond to future situations, usually negatively.

EFT removes the negative responses to future situations by eliminating the negative emotion and by restoring the energy field’s balance. Most talk therapies stop at dealing with the negative emotions, and can take months or years to work, but EFT goes further by restoring the energy balance, often in two or three sessions. I have found it often to be instantaneous.

So EFT is basically an emotional version of acupuncture without the needles. Instead, you use your fingertips to tap on energy meridian points on the body. Gary Craig’s sequence is easy to learn and remember, and you can do it anywhere. The two mantras of EFT are:

• “The cause of all negative emotions is a disruption in the body’s energy system.”

• “Our unresolved negative emotions are major contributors to most physical pains and diseases.”

You can sign up for Gary’s newsletter and download a free copy of his EFT manual from . He emphasizes that the manual is a “starter kit” and that serious practitioners need to study his 5-CD course.

Appendix D
Emotional Sound Technique (EST)

Devised by the author, EST is a modality that combines phrases from Emotional Self-Management, Dr. Callahan/Gary Craig’s tapping points, and the use of tuning forks. Instead of tapping on points, I apply specific frequency forks to them and can also run the sound through a rose quartz crystal on the points. I have found the benefits of this to be:

1. It’s an effective shortcut to eliminate subconscious sabotage.

2. Immediate release of anger and anxiety.

3. Effective positive results of chosen affirmations.

4. An overall sense of relief of physical and emotional pain.

EST is a noninvasive protocol using the OM frequency (136.10 Hz). The fork is applied directly to acupressure points, trigger points, points of pain and charkas to open the energy pathways in the body. Adding the crystal clarifies, filters and amplifies the sound creating a deeper level of healing.

Although great benefit is derived from tapping, a more specific emotional outcome can be achieved by applying a sound that sedates, for instance in cases with trauma, anger or anxiety. A tonifying sound might be used when working with sadness or the desired energy of joy. A more neutral sound might be chosen as a way to gently prepare the body for the other sounds. Sound can affect the receptors on our cells faster than any drug. The crystals have specific vibrations also, making the proper combination very powerful. The basic set for families of an OHM fork and a rose quartz is designed to be safe, simple and very effective for emotional and physical pain. As always more advanced uses are available for training to therapists. The sounds of our own voices are healing tools that we are only now recognizing. EST also incorporates voice into Energy Psychology. This works especially well with children.

Photo Gallery
Selected Photos

A client is releasing a subconscious program that no longer agrees with her conscious choices…

As you can see the energy is more prominently being released from the right side of her brain.
This is an indication of the how only a part of us can believe something, creating and internal conflict.
As we heal our internal conflicts we begin to change the world.



This picture shows the energy of John next to the sun.
The cover of the book shows John next to the moon.
He is trying to let us know the awesomeness of our spirit.

If we can be seen next to the brightest star in the universe…..
what then does this really mean about who WE ARE?
The implications of this truth are too far reaching for us to comprehend.


A Christmas Present from John


This is NOT a picture of my son.

But it shows the spirits wanting to be SEEN.

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